Everyday I'm more depressed here in New York.  Is it the attitude?  Is it the thought of death in my family?  Is it a broken heart from my own hopeless devotion to a woman who lives too far away? Is it the T?  Who knows, but I know I feel it, and I know I haven't felt this way in a very long time.  

I can recall the last time I was this low.  Then, I didn't know what I had gotten myself into.  I didn't have direction and I was really just all over the map.  Still trying to figure out my career, my responsibilities to myself and my roommates and especially my drug habits. 

So, now that I have a plan.. can I go back and make it work this time?  I love it there and now I know how to live it there.  

New York is cold, lonely, and angry.  And that is how I feel.  I am sensitive to it all, and its making my motivation and moral crumble. 

I have 8months to get a job, to get enough money to get over there.. 

And when I'm gone... no one will know the difference... except me, because I will be where I belong... I will be where I left my heart, in San Francisco.

Where I'm At Bronx, NY How I'm feelin' Embarassed What I'm bumpin' Planet Of The Apes Labels depression, goals, heart, home, love

Yes... its always this much fun =)

Where I'm At Bronx, New York How I'm feelin' Empty What I'm bumpin' Predators Labels paint, subway humor

So, you know in the movie The Sandlot, when Smalls goes home after his first day at the diamond with the guys and he writes "Baseball stuff to Remember.." at the top of a pad of paper???

Yeah, well.. I might just follow in Small's foot steps for a bit.

1) The past is the past, you can't DO SHIT about it

2) The future is right around the corner, but you can wait till it gets here

3) If you don't wear a coat now, your future self will kick themselves in the ass for not suiting up properly in the first place

4) Marijuana gives you pimples

5) Working out makes you feel good

6) Stalking ex's online is NOT healthy if you don't talk to them... ( I don't speak with ANY of my ex's)

7) Ronnie from Jersey Shore is my new hero because he's "... a moody person, I have a short temper and when I'm in a bad mood I just want to be left alone." just like me.

8) Starship Troopers is by far the Robot Monster of our time

9) Putting something off when you should just get it over with makes you feel dumb AND yet accomplished when you finally get around to it

10) Temet Nosce

=D

Where I'm At Living Room, Bronx, New York How I'm feelin' wtf... What I'm bumpin' Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day Labels know thyself, resolutions, revelations

I gotta bite the bullet now. 

I need to step it up.

I've actually improved many things at work, but now I must prefect that improvement.

In a minor set-back I've gained some holiday weight.

Tomorrow is my nieces 1st birthday party.

It will also be my last ridiculous cheat day until Christmas.

Next paycheck is dedicated to two more exercising materials.

I'm saving and even though its slow... its saving.

=D... here's to peeps.

Where I'm At Living Room, Bronx NY How I'm feelin' Motivated What I'm bumpin' Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith Labels fat, improvement, motivated, niece, perfection

Just recently, I was promoted in life.  I have more responsibility in my own integrity.  Doing the right thing even when no one is watching.  I know this is hard for everyone in a way, but I'm going to really give it my all this time.  In the past, I've striven to perfect this position as the "unconscious incompetent.".  Now it seems I've been put in this position for a reason, because I'm ready for the test.  I have to embrace this role and not make it so hard on myself.  Not step on my own feet.

I have my own room now, which I am thankful for.  I'm getting more sleep... and face time with the fitness of myself.  GTL, whatever you wanna call it.  You deserve to feel good about yourself.  Not ridiculously cocky and vain, (for the record, I don't have a mirror in my room) yet healthily happy with myself and improving it whenever I want to try to look better.  Life is long... I have tons of wardrobes to fill and let loose.  I have years of fun and meetings.

Anyway, I'm chillen... doing well.  The best part, is I'm saving things.  All kinds of things...

=)

Where I'm At Our Living Room, Bronx, NY How I'm feelin' ^_^ What I'm bumpin' Man On Fire Labels healthy, moving on, productive, redemption

I am gifted with a heavy heart.  A place where things go way too deep and really aren't that serious.  So when I reflect upon past events that may a meager meaning or a very powerful one, I always feel the weight of this hurt and I can't seem to shake it unless I think of something worse.

Now I have no right to complain.  There are people in other countries who are treated worse, loved worse, hated worse...

Women raped, Men slaughtered and watched their families violated, all rights taken away to follow a path of communism or religious zealousness.

Maybe its because I've been so close to grabbing this foot hold of "love" or "a relationship" and all I want is another honest chance, with another honest person.

Like this job search... I know it will take time, and patience... but with these haunting memories of what was... I can't help but want some of those other females back, because I wouldn't rule them out... no matter how fucked up they were.

Where I'm At Pop's Office, Bronx How I'm feelin' nostalgic What I'm bumpin' Nothing Labels heavy heart, lonely, nostalgia, reminiscing, waiting

So I know what it all means.  I've always realized it I guess... its just so deep how do you go there???

Frodo, he wanted to see an escape from the past.  A way out of the loss and the hefty emotional burden of The Ring. 

He wanted to see a way back from the darkness... if he should fall there, that not all hope was lost.  That in the end he wouldn't go mad, or evil... or kill his vision of humanity and all things good.

But... there are some hurts that go too deep.

I can barely see the light.  But as this flower blooms, I cannot stop the turning of the weather.  The winds can change, and my flower could wilt until the falling of the next proper season...

God, if you were here... I'd say it all and it'd be too much, but I wouldn't care.   To be unrealistic is foolish and inconsiderate.  Why go there?  When you're no where near here?

"Who will stop the rain...."

Where I'm At My Pop's office, Bronx How I'm feelin' Empathetic What I'm bumpin' Selena, I Could Fall Inlove Labels depression, i miss you, keep ya head up, suicide, the light

I wonder how many people in history really got away with it...

I mean with actions such as, stealing your friends pen, murder, robbing banks, "loving" someone until death did you part.  Today, I feel that more and more people are settling for things.  Sometimes we're so unhappy, and what we have in front of us is beyond convenient that we can't help ourselves but to grasp this desperate opportunity while we can.  God forbid we must wait for something that's more worth our time, or self respect.

There are still scams.  I surely would love to present this "guy" that my grandparents hired to re-sow their lawn.  I have never seen this beautiful patch of greens look so fucking disgusting in my life.  I don't ask many specifics on how much, or what his name is.  I do get this read on them that they are sadly disappointed in giving this man their trust in the lawn and having it go to shits.

Did this guy get away with taking advantage of my grandparents?  I'd hate to be judge mental but I think the answer is Yes, he did. 

Now I wonder how long my job will get away with treating people like total crap.  They're breaking so many labor and food service laws, its despicable.

My pathetic need for a girlfriend drives me to my own personal challenge.  How long can I get away with this illusion? How long can I wait for a good lady?  Will I end up settling eventually?

Where I'm At My Pop's Office, Bronx How I'm feelin' sore What I'm bumpin' Whats Up?, 4 Non Blondes Labels karma, self respect, self worth, settling, taking advantage